THE CORONATION OF NAPOLEON BY JACQUES LOUIS DAVID

FROM THE MIND OF JOSEPHINE, KNELLING BEFORE NAPOLEON

I really, really, really hope he doesn't shit himself again, not like that time in Malta, Jesus Christ that was horrific, and we were miles from the hotel. We were at the parade ground, surrounded by Gendarmes and suddenly he paused and just looked at me and I knew straight away, he just had this look in his eyes like 'Fuck I shat myself', and the whole regiment was there, and he had to just suck it up and keep walking down the line doing inspection, all the while sucking his bum cheeks tight hoping and praying it didn't seep down his legs. I guess that's the sign of a great leader, you can either flee in the face of danger or persevere with a dampness in your trousers, doesn't change the fact I married a shitter…bugger.