NUMBER ONE BY JACKSON POLLOCK

FROM THE MIND OF POLLOCK

Hey Ruth, have you seen my can of Pepsi? I left it here on the counter like 5 minutes ago. What? Well how the hell could I leave it in the car if I saw it on the counter? Think before you speak! I have to go finish this canvas…huh? What do you mean what is it? Its an expression of my abstract notions of the nature of humanity and a valediction of my tempestuous soul… Wanker? How does that make me a wanker, you're the wanker! Huh? You can still be a wanker without a penis, actually you've probably got one, probably got my Pepsi aswell! O don't start crying on me, I'm going for a drive, have you seen my Whiskey?

WHISTLER'S MOTHER BY JAMES MCNEIL WHISTLER

FROM THE MIND OF WHISTLER'S FRIEND FANTON LATOUR

I have a gram of coke in my brush bag, how about you and me get freaky pilgrim style? Whistler's out of town on business, I know your son and I were childhood friends, but like, I've always fantasied about you, ever since we had that seep over when we were 12 and I saw ankles under the trim of your dress, I had a boner all through dinner… he will never know, it can be our little secret, our dirty little secret, lets see if we can't stain those lace doilies a new shade of slut.

ST SEBASTIAN BY ANDREA MANTEGA

FROM THE MIND OF THE SAINT HIMSELF

'Are you serious? Are you fucking serious? I totally didn't know he was black, I like black people, seriously, I didn't mean to sound rude, my mom's half black, seriously, her dad is Cuban, they are the same right? Look if you untie me and pull out the arrows I'm willing to forgive and forget, i'll take you all down to burger king, wait, no, KFC, you guys like chicken right? O man not the face!

RAFT OF THE MEDUSA BY THEODORE GERICAULT

The guy resting his head on his arm with the beard and red cape seated at the rear of the raft

'I really hope I turned that light off in the bathroom… otherwise my electric bill is going to be through the roof, and Heolise is going to bitch me out about not caring about the environment, damn that whore, here I am having to look at all these tiny penises drawn to an artistic aesthetic and she's off with that guy from the silk merchants, probably fucking on the table that I paid for, it's just like the time we went to Canann for thanksgiving to see her family, and I had to walk in on her sucking off her cousin Betrum, she promised it would never happen again. I guess I'm lucky that she doesn't have leprosy of the cunt yet like that chick in Sodom, God I couldn't tell what was going on down there!… Maybe I'll get a Tevo when I get back? Would save me having to stay up late to record letterman.'